Friday, August 17, 2012

She Loved Therapy!

If you have been reading my blog, you have gathered that my 13 year old daughter is having serious growing pains that kind of look like criminal acts.  Stealing, sexting, fire starting, lying (that should be criminal when it is done to your parents) and has caused a major freak out to my system.  (I have removed her photo from my blog since it discusses such sensitive topics.)

I have really had a hard time with knowing if sharing this much personal info is a good idea.  I go back and forth between feeling as if I am betraying my daughter discussing these difficult experiences with the world and telling myself that maybe these stories can help someone else sometime and even help me by being able to share them with other moms.  I am very proud of my daughter for who she is.  I know these are the tough years and I am doing everything I can to get her support.

I am in therapy myself.  I have battled with anxiety and depression and even agoraphobia for years.  Sometimes I am fine, and sometimes I am not.  I didn't learn healthy life coping skills growing up because I lived in an alcoholic incestuous home.  I, like many abused kids, decided my kids would not be abused and would have the most perfect life ever filled with attention and happy moments.  I have been talking about my daughter's issues with my therapist and recently mentioned to him that maybe I should put her in therapy as well.  I talk to her ALOT about sex and relationships.  I am running out of ideas on how to help her learn things properly and not get herself hurt or into a mess or into an addiction.  Maybe a therapist could offer a whole other layer of support for her.

I wrestled with the idea.  Would she feel like a freak because I was sending her to therapy?  Would people make fun of her?  They had fun with the 'therapy' word when she was going for physical therapy.  No doubt she will tell someone she is in therapy and then word will spread and she will be made fun of.  Will she think she is messed up in the head if I send her to therapy?  I talked it over with my husband, and he decided it would be a good idea.  Then we told her what we had in mind.  

I emailed my therapist, and he contacted me within five minutes.  In less than 24 hours I had an appointment for her with his female intern.  We went yesterday.

She was nervous.  She made jokes about being asked, "How do you feel about that"?  She talked about lying on a couch and what impersonations she would do to make her therapist laugh.  (My girl is a comedian.)  She was worried about being left alone.  I talked to her about what to expect.  She LOVED that she can tell this woman anything.  She even asked if she can cuss.

We got there and I knew the therapists who were in the building slightly from a women's group I tried to attend.  I did my best to act relaxed, but really I was very nervous.  We were filling out paperwork (across from the restroom) when we heard the toilet flush.  Out came two men.  

She looked at me.  "Uhm two MEN just came out of the bathroom together and they were talking."  

"Oh yeah," I explained, "I forgot to mention that drug addicts who are in trouble with the law have to come here for urine tests.  When you are having a urine test done for drugs, someone has to watch you to make sure you use your own urine."  

Jeez.... Talk about opening up a whole can of worms.  

"You can use someone else's pee?  That is gross.  What if a woman has to get a urine test"?

"Honey, she has a woman go in with her to watch her pee.  Men get men and women get women."

"What if you are gay"?

"The same rules apply despite your sexual preference."

She starts doing her old man impersonation and acting like she is going to shove her cane up someone's ass.  She tries to be funny when she is nervous.  I continue with the paperwork.

Finally it was time to go in and get the session started.  We talked about why we were there.  First I went.

"Welllll, it started back in February....."  I went over all of the things she has done behavior wise that have me very concerned.  I told her how she says she is a bad kid and a slut and that she can't help herself.  (She has never even made out with a boy, but apparently liking more than one boy at a time means you are a slut in her mind.)  I talked about how I can't trust her or believe her and how I am very concerned that she feels bad about herself and that she could also get in major trouble or hurt very badly.

"Why do you want to be here"? she asks my girl.

"To talk about my brother and sister that I don't get to see anymore."

Good job baby, I thought to myself.

Just to fill you in, Hubby has two other kids that we haven't seen in 9 years.  Very long irrelevant story.

It was time for me to leave, and I convinced her she would be OK while I ran an errand and she talked with her therapist.  I assured her I would be back when she got out in 45 minutes and that she would be safe.  I ran the errand and returned a few minutes before they came out.  My girl was all smiles.  We made an appointment for next week and made our way to the car.

Once we got in the car I started asking her how it went.  

"Time went by really fast in there.  We talked alot about Tina." (Tina is her best friend who is a trouble maker.)

"Oh yeah, honey?  It is alot of fun to talk about yourself for almost an hour, huh"?

"Yeah, it was fun."

"Was it better or worse than you expected"?

"Better.  I liked it alot.  I am glad I am going again.  I even feel a little bit better already."


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Teenage Daughter's Mother's Day of Hell

As I mentioned here, yesterday was the 'Teenage Daughter's Mother's Day of Hell'. 

What is that? you might wonder.  Why did she come up with a mouthful like that? 

I'll tell you why.  It was the most decent un-profane way I could find to describe it to make it bloggable.  That's why.

My girl is 13.  I know I have mentioned it before, but to me-it pretty much describes everything I am going through.  Have you heard the term 'Triskaidekaphobia'.  If not, google it.  This will all be here when you get done.  

Can you believe there is a word for such a thing?  That, to me, says alot.  ALOT.  Others have experienced this.  They KNOW.  And all you moms of little tiny darlings that you think will never be awful demons at 13, you are wrong wrong WRONG.  And all of you moms who have teen girls and you are thinking My teen girls don't act like this, WRONG.  You just aren't onto their sneaky little asses.  Ok, now that I have made myself feel better by telling you all that your kids are going to be nuts at 13 or ARE already nuts at 13, I will cut to the chase.

My girl is boy crazy.  This doesn't even begin to describe it.  

I found out she has been sexting (yeah I said it and took it back, but its the truth) texting a guy who she believes to be 14 (who knows how old??!!) that her friend befriended on an internet game called "Our World".  I stopped her from playing that game when I found out people can talk to each other on there.  I seriously SERIOUSLY monitor and restrict her internet usage.  

The only reason she has the ability to text people I don't know is because she worked all summer (and made me proud) and saved up enough money to buy an Ipod Touch.  I had no idea those things could get a phone number for texting.  I don't have a cell phone or an Ipod.  But she was happier than a gold medal winner when she was able to communicate with her friends.  Back in the day, I used a corded phone and laid on the floor with my feet up on the wall to talk to friends.  But they don't do that anymore.  Even if they have cell phones, they text each other instead of talking. 

So her friend met this '14 year old boy' and passed his texting number along to my girl.  His name is supposedly Gabe and I am not even going to change his name to protect his privacy.  For some insane reason, my girl decides to text him.  They barely talk AT ALL and he asks her to send a pic of her boobs to him in return for a pic of his dick.  And she complies.  

And then she deletes it all off of her Ipod so that when I go to check it to make sure she isn't acting inappropriately, it isn't there.  And I don't hear about it for WEEKS.  

It doesn't worry her.  It doesn't concern her.  It doesn't eat away at her.  She doesn't worry about this guy being an old pervert who sneaks into her window.  Oh I guess cause he lives 1000 miles away?!  Does this make this activity safer?  This is the girl who accidentally left a chicken coop door open at her neighbor's house which resulted in the dogs committing a chicken massacre.  She vomited because she felt so guilty.  She confessed to me and went over to apologize to the neighbor.  This was just two years ago.  How do we go from that to THIS?  She has a father!  We spend time with her!  I have talked to her many times about sex and sexting and all of that crap.  I monitor and restrict and also allow her freedom for other things.  I thought I had it all figured out.

I don't.  Other than to believe 13 year olds are just nuts.  But I don't know what to do.

She's going to therapy.  Today at 1:30.  Thank God I am already going or I know for sure I'd be in the looney bin by now.

I haven't even gotten to the details of the 'Teenage Daughter's Mother's Day of Hell' yet.  I have to save it for another entry because this one has just been way too painful to write.  And this is supposed to be a humor blog. :/

Will I survive this?  Put my blog in your reader to find out...

I Forgot My Blog Web Address

I didn't feel like going to Blogger to find my blog, so I figured I would type in my blog web address.  I have only had a couple sips of coffee and yesterday was a 'Teenage Daugther's Mother's Day of Hell'. 

This is what I entered:  Go ahead, click it.  I'll wait.  I should have typed: .


Can you believe it?  I came up with my unique blog title all on my own!  And someone else had the same idea--EIGHT freaking years ago!  And only blogged ONCE. 

Thanks R?ck, owner of Whine and Jeez Blogspot.  Thanks for making me feel very outdated and non-original in my creativity for your ONE stupid ass blog post.  But on a less sarcastic note, thanks for giving me a good laugh.  I needed it after my 'Teenage Daughter's Mother's Day of Hell.'

Monday, August 13, 2012

I Love Me Monday Link Up

I am attempting to do my first link up with Rockin' Mama from .  I say 'attempting' because I am adding links and all that crap, and who knows how it will all come out since I am a BRAND NEW BLOGGER. 

*waits for applause*


Today is "I Love Me Monday", and here are the rules:

I Love Me Monday is just that, loving who you are! 
Step out from behind the camera and embrace your beauty! 
There will be 3 questions listed for you to answer and submit with your self portrait!

My self portrait

 The Questions:

1. Describe yourself in one word.  (Ok, that's not a question, but anyway......)  AMAZING

2. What word would your friends use to describe you and why?  AMAZING, because I am.

3. If your life was a flavor, would you describe it as sweet, salty, or sour?  Sour, I often pucker over it.

Thanks for the fun Rockin' Mama!!

Worry and Insomnia and Teenage Daughters

I have a teenage daughter.  She's only thirteen, but she is rocking this teenager thing hardcore.  Maybe it is because I let her put pink streaks in her hair for her thirteenth birthday?  

 Did that set the scene for this stupidity these learning experiences?  IDK what the hell it is, but she has really gone overboard on the stupid teenager experiences since she turned 13.  Up until that point, she was the sweet kind kid that everyone wanted their child to befriend.  I swear she must have heard that teens go crazy or something and decided she would start ASAP.  Let's just say it is a good thing I have studied adolescent development in college...and that I have a therapist..... or I would be convinced that I failed miserably somewhere along the lines. 

Yeah, I know.  I am beating around the bush.  I am not giving any details.  And I won't.  Not at this point.  Who starts off introducing herself to possible new friends by talking about her teenager's growing pains?  Uhmm, probably only parents sitting in some sort of support group setting or Parents of Alcoholics meeting or something like that.  So I am sure you understand the lack of details.

Ok, it's not that bad!  Stop it!  She does not need to go to rehab or be sent away for nine months!


But what I DO want to share today is my inability to sleep soundly over the last week or so.  Does anyone else find themselves worrying over their kids or coming up with plans to make sure something that happened NEVER happens again at 2am?  This is what has been going on with me.  

I avoid the actual deed of trying to sleep because by the end of the day my mind is just buzzing.  I have been finding things to keep me busy like reading mom blogs from beginning to end and creating meal plans and shopping lists.  I figure this will keep my mind focused on things other than obsessing over how I am failing miserably as a parent.  

*brakes squeal*

I know, I are thinking how I said this just a bit ago: 

"Let's just say it is a good thing I have studied adolescent development in college...and that I have a therapist..... or I would be convinced that I failed miserably somewhere along the lines". 

What I really meant to say was, "I would be hospitalized over my failures if I hadn't had the class and the therapist." 


But the point is I keep myself focused on things until I think I am so tired I can fall asleep.  

But it isn't working!  My bed has suddenly turned into the most uncomfortable bed in the world.  I have muscle tension in my lower back.  My fan makes a very uneven white sound noise.  It probably isn't even a white sound with that weird ass whirling buzzing glumping sound it has been making.  And I HEAR, yes I hear, what people around town are saying about my daughter and her learning experiences.  I hear them telling their own children to avoid her.  I hear them saying that when my husband or I did this or that, we ruined her life.  I SEE her, my BABY girl, .....OH GOOD GOD I CAN'T EVEN TYPE WHAT I SEE HER DOING....but I will say that I have a niece and a sister in law who are drug addicts and do all of the things drug addicts do.  So, I worry my daughter will fall into this lifestyle, and that is the kind of stuff that flashes through my mind in the form of pictures.  It ain't pretty.  

Just to remind you of the setting: It is 1:48am, my bed is lumpy, my back aches, my fan is fucking with me, I am hearing voices, I am seeing things, and I think this is a good time to brainstorm on what I can do to make my life better.  I caught myself believing that I need to exercise more and was doing ab exercises in my bed at about 2am.  Yes, me developing my ab muscles will lead to me not having a back ache which will also set a good example to my daughter who I homeschool (whole other post right there) and so I am responsible for her physical education too...maybe I am not spending enough time with her.... *scrunches abs*.....

Maybe what I should be thinking about or planning for is a better bedtime routine...?

I know, I know, I know the cliches.  Raising teens is hard and all that shit.  Teen years are hard.  Blah blah.  But seriously!  This is torture.  This is insane.  Those cliches do not even cover it!  

So to all of those moms out there who think it is hell that your crying baby is causing you to lose sleep- it gets worse. 

Saturday, August 11, 2012

I should have been a cat

I was holding my sweet little white kitty baby this morning and realized I am alot like a cat.  I never really would have thought this if someone were to say: "Are you more like a cat or a dog"?  But this morning, drinking my first cup of coffee, I realized it.

My little white kitty is named Daydream.  She is beautiful and really excels in the being cute department.  She puts herself into the sweetest little positions.  She has blue eyes, so she squints when she is outside in the sun.  But like most cats, she really doesn't like to be messed with.  She wants to do what she wants to do.  It doesn't matter if she looks like the cutest little fluff ball ever lying on that chair.  This is not an invitation to touch her.  She won't bite or scratch, but she turns into one mean looking kitty and might even growl.  She NEVER comes to "Here kitty kitty" or "psss psss psss" accompanied with finger motions to entice her to come.  She may even brush up against me, but this does NOT mean to pick her up!!  She's just doing her thing.  It has nothing at all to do with me or you or anyone else.

BUT, but, BUT-- if she wants attention, Good God you better give it to her.  There really is no way in hell that I can ignore her if she wants love.  She places herself in on my hands.  She drools on me.  I swear she even gives me 'bedroom eyes'.  She rubs herself on my face.  And somehow she manages to do her shedding while this is going on.  Cat hair everywhere.  In my nose, on my lips, in my eyelashes, on the keyboard....  everywhere.  I can walk away or throw her down, but she's right back there with me.  If I walk away, she will trip me by getting under my feet.  If I throw her down, she jumps right back up.  I literally have to stop whatever I am doing and pet her until she is tired of it.  I am serious.  There really is nothing I can do about this.

So while this was going on this morning, and I was catching cat hair in my coffee, I thought what a great life a cat has.  This really is my personality, but I try to hide it because it is SO selfish.  But cats don't have to worry about it!  Somehow they manage to continue being loved.  No one leaves them or criticizes them for being so finicky.  Cats are finicky.  We accept that about them.  Not like dogs.  Dogs are man's best friend.  They come when called.  They sit when told.  They are supposed to assist us in our living by providing companionship and protection.  At least a bark if someone knocks.  We train them to do little tricks, and they get rewards for this.

All along, I have been trying to be a dog.  And I have been miserable.  I rarely please the masters.  I don't want to learn tricks.  I don't want to have to live for anyone else.

I want to be left alone if I want to be left alone, and I want attention when I want attention.  And I want to be loved for being who I am.

I should have been a cat.

Daydream in the garage