Did that set the scene for
Yeah, I know. I am beating around the bush. I am not giving any details. And I won't. Not at this point. Who starts off introducing herself to possible new friends by talking about her teenager's growing pains? Uhmm, probably only parents sitting in some sort of support group setting or Parents of Alcoholics meeting or something like that. So I am sure you understand the lack of details.
Ok, it's not that bad! Stop it! She does not need to go to rehab or be sent away for nine months!
But what I DO want to share today is my inability to sleep soundly over the last week or so. Does anyone else find themselves worrying over their kids or coming up with plans to make sure something that happened NEVER happens again at 2am? This is what has been going on with me.
I avoid the actual deed of trying to sleep because by the end of the day my mind is just buzzing. I have been finding things to keep me busy like reading mom blogs from beginning to end and creating meal plans and shopping lists. I figure this will keep my mind focused on things other than obsessing over how I am failing miserably as a parent.
I know, I know...you are thinking how I said this just a bit ago:
"Let's just say it is a good thing I have studied adolescent development in college...and that I have a therapist..... or I would be convinced that I failed miserably somewhere along the lines".
What I really meant to say was, "I would be hospitalized over my failures if I hadn't had the class and the therapist."
But the point is I keep myself focused on things until I think I am so tired I can fall asleep.
But it isn't working! My bed has suddenly turned into the most uncomfortable bed in the world. I have muscle tension in my lower back. My fan makes a very uneven white sound noise. It probably isn't even a white sound with that weird ass whirling buzzing glumping sound it has been making. And I HEAR, yes I hear, what people around town are saying about my daughter and her learning experiences. I hear them telling their own children to avoid her. I hear them saying that when my husband or I did this or that, we ruined her life. I SEE her, my girl...my BABY girl, .....OH GOOD GOD I CAN'T EVEN TYPE WHAT I SEE HER DOING....but I will say that I have a niece and a sister in law who are drug addicts and do all of the things drug addicts do. So, I worry my daughter will fall into this lifestyle, and that is the kind of stuff that flashes through my mind in the form of pictures. It ain't pretty.
Just to remind you of the setting: It is 1:48am, my bed is lumpy, my back aches, my fan is fucking with me, I am hearing voices, I am seeing things, and I think this is a good time to brainstorm on what I can do to make my life better. I caught myself believing that I need to exercise more and was doing ab exercises in my bed at about 2am. Yes, me developing my ab muscles will lead to me not having a back ache which will also set a good example to my daughter who I homeschool (whole other post right there) and so I am responsible for her physical education too...maybe I am not spending enough time with her.... *scrunches abs*.....
Maybe what I should be thinking about or planning for is a better bedtime routine...?
I know, I know, I know the cliches. Raising teens is hard and all that shit. Teen years are hard. Blah blah. But seriously! This is torture. This is insane. Those cliches do not even cover it!
So to all of those moms out there who think it is hell that your crying baby is causing you to lose sleep- it gets worse.